stream of rantingness

  

Today:

My co-worker had a meeting set for 8:30 am. At 8:32, he came out of his office and peered out of the window, looking exactly like Snoopy imitating a vulture and wondering where his customers were. TWO MINUTES LATE, yes. He stands at a slanty hunchy slouch always. His monitor is ALWAYS at a downward slant. And no, he doesn’t have osteoporosis, he’s a VULTURE with OCD. I “adjusted” his monitor for him today. Repeatedly. To an angle that's maybe not so desirable for vultures.

 
My other co-worker hates his ex-wife with a dripping hatred. I know this because I've heard about it almost every day FOR YEARS. When he was on the phone with the ex, I heard his lovely raised voice in the BATHROOM. Down the hall.

The boss’s wife? Never makes a mistake. EXCEPT WHEN SHE DOES. And I sit next to her. Allll day long.

See this?




 This is the woolly hackberry aphid. It covers itself in a blue-white waxy substance. It’s not particularly harmful to the hackberry tree, but it produces this lovely sugary sticky STUFF called honeydew (see it on the leaf below).

 

For three summers, the hackberry tree over the parking lot at work has had aphids. I came in this morning to find them flying on the breeze, literally hundreds. The honeydew made the pavement a little shiny, and the bottom of my shoes made sticky sounds on the pavement and stairs. I scraped hackberry leaves off the soles of my shoes, stuck there with the honeydew. (Is anybody else ALSO not appreciating the word honeydew yet?) Anyway, I went in and I had white fuzzy aphid spots all in my hair. Aphids in my hair has become a daily event, but this swarm today was irritating enough that I read a little about the buggers. I had no idea that the sappy shit I couldn’t get off my windowshield even when using the wipers and windshield wash (it just went to whitish smears) was actually BUG EXCRETION. I thought the hackberry was sappy, see. I didn't think it was BUG EXCRETION. But live and learn, yes.

Tonight my daughter stepped on my new pair of glasses and bent the frames and busted both lenses out. NEW. It wasn’t her fault. I put them down on the piano. I thought they’d be okay there for a few minutes. Then the cat apparently jumped on the piano and knocked them off. And Rach stepped on them.

Note to self: nobody around here likes feta on their salad. They like MACARONI. Except for my husband. He likes meat. And more meat. 
And more meat.
And more meat.

The dog down the alleyway hates my dog and I. He’s like a little brown hyena with his bared teeth and wrinkled muzzle. When he gets out of his fence, he skulks silently behind and tries to catch and kill me (and my dog, who is too old for such shit). He barked at me again this evening when I left the house because I was upset about my glasses. He sounds hoarse and hateful.

After the workday and making dinner and cleaning and going to the store and calling the Brownie troop leader and calling the mom of my daughter’s friends and asking if they could spend the night Friday because one of my daughters is having a birthday and she wanted a sleepover, my husband asked me to do ONE. MORE. THING.

Tomorrow I will:

Grab my co-worker and yank his arms back until he stands up straight or his back breaks, whichever comes first. Call his customers and tell them the meeting time has been changed. Tell the boss’s wife to NOT SPEAK ANYMORE, EVER, then stuff her mouth full of aphids. I will tell the ex-wife hater co-worker to stuff his tuna sandwich up his ass. I will set fire to the aphid tree, shoot my cat and feed him to the meat- eating husband. I won't care that my glasses are canted crazily - I will WEAR THEM and smile about it, fuck it. I'll put extra feta on everybody’s salad, and when I walk my dog through the alleyway I will snap the brown dog's neck really loudly. I’ll come home with a 1.5 ft. dildo and stroke it while laughing right at my husband’s crotch, then go four doors down to steal the neighbor's classic Impala and take my dildo to Florida, drinking non-stop the whole way. 

And that's just tomorrow.

from THEDA - regarding TOUCH LIKE BREATHING

 eXtasy is shooting for an October 1 release date. In case you want to know.